I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
