So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
