I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize