Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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