She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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