So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
