just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
