His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
