Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
