her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
