Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
