so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
