R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Let's paint friendship bongs
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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