I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She announced her abortion via fbk
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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