my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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