my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
