Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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