shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize