Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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