I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Less talking, more tequila
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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