I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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