Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
