You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize