my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
