Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
