Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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