I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
