I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
God, I missed his penis.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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