I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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