Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Why is your signature on my underwear?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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