My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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