I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
