My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
