We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Randomize
