Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
