You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
