I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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