If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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