we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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