Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
