I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
