Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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