i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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