uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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