Will you blow on my dice?
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
