i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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