that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
