i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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