ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
