At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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