I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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