I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
