Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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