We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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