I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
