Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
