He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
