woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize